Okay, I’ll wait while you finish the lyrics, unless you weren’t born in the 1900’s…. I know you’re probably singing it in your head…
But seriously—what is love? I’m sure that everyone of us has our own version of what we think love is and are ever searching for the fulfillment of that definition. But where did your definition come from?
Maybe your expectation of love is based on what you observed in your parents—or, sadly, maybe your perspective formed in opposition to what you saw. Maybe your idea of love was shaped by the books you read, the songs you listened to, or the movies you watched. Or perhaps it grew out of an unspoken, unmet need quietly gnawing at your heart.
Even the person you’ve been married to for 40+ years, or maybe you’re just starting in marriage, either way, I’d wager that they have their own unique idea of what love is. The truth is, our varying, and sometimes even conflicting, definitions of love can set us up for heartache and disappointment, rather than the deep, heart-to-heart connection we all long for. And it’s not just about what we expect love to look like—it’s also about what we believe we’re worthy of receiving. That belief shapes everything, and together, these dynamics can quietly undermine our quest for fulfilling connection.
As you reflect on your relationships—whether in marriage, friendship, or family—let me offer a new perspective.
What if love isn’t something you’re trying to find, but something you receive , that’s meant to be given away?
Now, this idea can easily get twisted, so stay with me—I want to make sure you don’t hear what I’m not saying. So, just to be clear, let me back up and give a little more context.
And by “back,” I mean allll the way back—to the moment you took your very first breath.
From day one, you began gathering information, trying to figure out how to belong in this world. You made observations such as:
As we grow, the messages expands.
“When I make the class laugh, I’m celebrated. “
“When I miss social cues, I’m rejectable.”
“When I put others’ needs before my own, I’m wanted.”
“If I offer a clever solution, I’m valuable.”
“When I need help, I’m a burden.”
“When I’m at the top, I matter!”
“When I stay home to rest, I’m forgotten.”
And on and on it goes.
This information makes impacts on us that create mindsets from which we measure our worthiness to be loved.
When you open your heart to be loved by someone, their attempts to connect with you have to pass through that internal framework. And let me tell you—that is where the signals can get seriously crossed.
Every interaction—every conversation, every mistake, every misunderstood attempt to show love gets filtered through that lens. When we carry a belief like “If I disappoint you, I’m not worthy of love,” even a gentle correction can feel like rejection, every missed call feels like abandonment. A failed attempt to connect becomes “proof” we’re not enough…
Ok, you may ask, you’ve pointed out the problem, but what do we do about it? After all those feelings are strong, loud, and so very real!
You’re right. They are real. But real doesn’t always mean true, aaaaaand not true doesn’t mean invalid… that’s another place where things can get confused. Hang with me, I promise it’s about to become clearer.
Those internal messages “I’m only lovable when I get it right,” “I have to earn my place,” “If I disappoint you, I’m no longer worthy” may feel familiar, but that doesn’t mean they were ever true.
They were built from the experience of seeking love but finding disappointment and believing that your worth was based on your ability to meet an external expectation.
Here’s the shift: what if your worth wasn’t something you had to earn? What if love wasn’t a prize for performing but a gift you were already given?
It really is possible to step out of the cycle of striving for love as a way to be accepted, and start giving love because you already are.
But, how do we love from wholeness when we feel totally broken?
Well, let me tell you, friend… broken is a great place to start!
After all, before you can rebuild something strong, you have to tear down what’s shaky!
When you're stuck in this cycle, everything indeed feels shaky. When we experience on-going grief and anxiety in our relationships, both close and distant, or even in our relationship with ourself, that’s often a sign that the foundation needs attention!
So what do we do?
First of all, we need to stop inspecting those wonky walls and turn our attention to the base!
Every strong structure needs a reference point that is solid and true—a piece that everything else aligns to. In construction, it’s called the cornerstone. It’s the first stone set, and every other measurement comes from it. You may have that cornerstone in place, but it may not be what you’ve been aligning your beliefs of your worth to.
Where does worth come from?
As someone deeply immersed in the world of real estate, I can tell you this: worth is not measured simply by naming a price. True, you can list a house on the market for any price you like, but if no one is willing to pay it, what is its worth? I would like to propose, that the measure of worth for said property is based on what someone is willing to pay.
Imagine that you are preparing to move, so you list your home at the price you need to purchase your next home. Soon, a buyer comes along and offers full asking price. But then, the appraisal comes in much lower than expected! The buyer says, "The appraiser may not think the value is there, but it’s worth it to me! I'll pay full price to make this house my home!" I would propose that worth isn't determined by anyone other than the person willing to pay the price!
But what about you? How has your worth been determined? Here’s the parallel.
Humanity was stuck in a trap of worth measured by works, and NO ONE was able to experience lasting wholeness that way. The result was strife, shame, and disconnection. Thankfully, God wasn’t content with that distance, and desired to reconnect with us, AND He was willing to define our worth once and for all.
It was costly, and came at a great sacrifice.
Jesus even asked, if there was any other way, then, “let this cup pass from me”. The cost was weighty indeed! How could He endure such torture to His body, soul and His Spirit?? What gave Him the strength?
You may not realize this, but it was “the joy that was set before Him that enabled Him to endure the cross!”
And, what was that joy… connection with you for eternity!
That, my dear reader is the measure of your worth!
So, the next time something, someone, thought or feeling presents a sense of worthlessness, let it be measured to that cornerstone!
Oh, but I’ve know all this since Sunday school, and I’m still struggling …. What am I doing wrong!?
You aren’t “doing” anything wrong, as a matter of fact, nothing you can do can meet that need. The only thing that can is to experience love from the source of Love Himself. He is Love! He’s the very substance and source of never ending, unconditional Love. Love that doesn’t keep a list of all you’ve done wrong. Love that is patient with your process, is not rudely pushing in to spaces where not welcomed, isn’t prideful, nor quick to anger. He is Love that can’t be explained without being experienced.
Does this mean that we should live in a bubble and never experience love from anyone else, only the source?
Let me tell a little story to help bring what I’m saying into focus.
The other day, I was running a race, and as I was huffing and puffing for air, I let my imagination wander…
I saw a couple swimming under the water with a small little air tank between them. Occasionally, she would draw in air, then pass it over to him. He would take in a breath as they swam alongside together. Back-and-forth they made their way on their journey. Both with just enough air to get by, but certainly not enough to thrive. They were weary. They were shaky. They were deficient, but they were carrying on.
Then she looked ahead, and saw a glowing presence! As she reached out to touch it, her lungs filled with air! She looked around in wonderment as she realized that she no longer needed that little tank. She drew the water into her lungs and was able to draw that life giving source from it. He passed the tiny tank back to her, but she shook her head, pointing toward the presence with glee. His eyes sprung open wide as he too reached forth and received the transformation and was filled with life.
They were radiant! No longer were they struggling, but now had all that they needed to flip and soar through the water experiencing a capacity that the weak insufficient tank never allowed them to experience!
When we try to draw our worth need from one another, it will always fall short, and we will always be left deficient. When we love one another from the fulfilling source and toward thier own connection with God's love, then together, we can thrive.
There is no shame in needing that little tank—it got you this far! But don’t forget: you were made for more than survival! You were made to live fully connected to the Source! Not because you earned it, but because you were made for it!
So those old conclusions we drew about our selves so early in life, and our definition of Love may need redefining, or exchanged completely, until we can see ourself from the determination of worth from the Source of Love Himself
Worth has to be experienced. Love has to be encountered. That’s what truly sets us free.
Maybe Love isn’t the reward for “getting it right”, maybe it’s something that was given for you on which to build a whole and beautiful life. But, don’t take my word for it, you’re going to want to see for yourself.<3
Life is a journey of continually renewing how we see ourselves and those around us. If you ever find yourself needing support in redefining those beliefs of your value along the way, I'd be honored to walk with you.
Click the button if you would like to schedule a time to connect.
